I feel as if I have been attempting to paint my entire life. Throughout High School and even College I would stumble through paintings which would inevitably leave me dissatisfied and frustrated. There were only a number of painting classes I could take due to my Graphic Design major so I had to turn to personal exploration. Once out of college my exposure to other painters ceased all together and I was left with an isolated study of the medium- which for anyone who has tried this knows it does not work very well when you are that young. Eventually I stopped painting and focused on colored pencil work (which ended up looking like paintings in a way) but I always felt defeated by oil paints - their slimy existence was, no doubt, intended to taunt me and my inability to master them. How they mocked me with their long historical tradition and countless examples of successful use by others.
But in 2004, after over a decade of using colored pencil almost exclusively, I decided to try my hand at oil painting again. Sure I had been using Oil paint and/or watercolor for years in my work but only as textures to backgrounds and never as they were intended to be used. The real meat of the work (the figures, the clothes, even the props) was always created using Prismacolor pencils (the best on the market in my opinion). This was my safe zone. This was were I had enjoyed some success. I still had oil paints tucked away in a box so I pulled out the tubes, cleaned off the brushes and jumped right in. I looked to what I found familiar in order to develop my new process - Colored Pencils. I first began to test the techniques in which I had developed over the years through pencils - the layering of color, the blending, the direction of strokes. I quickly realized why I was using colored pencil exclusively - I was horrible at painting! My first test was a nightmare. It looked like a twisted paint-by-numbers that was the result of a loss of ink at the printer or something. Horrible. I was devastated once again. My enemy had reveled in my inability once again!
I resolved myself to the idea that I was just not able to paint like those I admired. It was 4 years before I decided to revisit oil painting. I started asking questions to myself. Self, why can't you paint? What is it that your missing? I decided to start building a library of books to help teach myself how to paint. My instructors would be made of recyclable material that I could tap on the shoulder time and time again until I got it right. So I read book after book on the subject (many of which I will do reviews here in the near future). I purchased any art book I found on sale or was focused on an artist or movement that excited me. Eventually it became clear - I could not paint like a painter because I was not a painter! I was a draftsman (or illustrator in a looser sense). Before I could even attempt to paint again I would have to change the way I viewed the art I wanted to create. I would have to become a painter and be comfortable and confident wearing that hat. So I spent the rest of the year reading and contemplating. I'm sure there might have been easier ways to do this study but for me it was a problem solving exercise that I analyzed and dissected mentally before any paint hit the canvas. My time was precious and I did not want to waste it by wasting canvases.
The last colored pencil "painting" I ever produced was a piece called "666teen". It was a smaller piece so I explored penciling the entire piece (no paint) as well as using mixed media elements. Next I began to produce work utilizing Watercolor on Watercolor paper. I was finally able to get away from the pencil and use the brush. I felt somewhat more confident with painting an entire piece but I was still unsure about using oils. My comfort zone had expanded from Colored Pencils to Watercolors but would I be able to paint in traditional oils? So out of the comfort zone I went to my local art store Binders in Buckhead. There I purchased a "starter set" of Water Based Oil Paint. I was totally blown away that there was such a product! I was pretty comfortable with Watercolor so perhaps this new hybrid would be an easy gateway drug for this new journey! I purchased some smaller canvases and tested techniques that I had studied. Within a few weeks I was back at the art store buying professional brushes, water based oil paint mediums and "oils", full tubes of my standard paint colors and paint palettes. My first totally painted piece utilizing this water based oil paint was "Pandora" produced in early 2010. I was still very hesitant to go totally into oil painter mode so I produced the piece in a very "watercolorish" style. I even used watercolor paper for the surface (something I had been using for some time with my mixed media pieces). I was, however, a "painter" now. It felt good to win a small battle against my foe. Yes, I know - I was still using a watercolor technique rather than an oil but I'm getting to that...
Finally, in mid 2010 I decided to try painting on canvas again (it had been about 15 years). The week before I re-read my notes - I re-read the dog-eared pages of my favorite how-to books. I was ready to try it again and so I jumped in. Every step I took was the same as in previous pieces - concept sketch, references, layouts, etc. - accept that this time I would be totally out of my comfort zone! I would be "painting". The painting turned out horribly and I have never shown it - BUUUTT I did learn several valuable insights as I was working on it. Insights that I developed over the next few months and eventually I began to produce real "finished" pieces that I was proud to show. Now, at this point, I could not imagine returning to colored pencil. Don't mis-understand me - I loved colored pencil and I have a high respect for those that use it but for me colored pencil was my way of avoiding the medium I was intended to tackle. It was a safe zone that allowed me to play the role of the painter when I wasn't.
Now, tonight I am working on my next painting and it feels REALLY good to say that! I think that is why I decided to write this ridiculously long post - because as I sat at my table noodling with poses and ideas for the shoot tomorrow I realized that I am a painter now. The war is not over but - I can paint!
Now if I could just work on my color theory, my compositions, my values, my concepts, my....
